I’ve got a problem that is un-diagnosable. I call it my sixth sense, but the shrink calls it a “mild to severe break with reality.” But she’ll say anything to keep me coming back to pay for lying on her couch. As far as I can tell, there is no known cure for my condition. There’s probably a technical name for it, but I don’t know it and/or can’t pronounce it. Basically my problem is this: I see Pop people.
It started not long after I began purchasing these little vinyl figures. Innocently, I thought I could buy one or two to put on my desk at work. You know, something to keep me company through those endless hours of boredom. As I soon discovered, Funko had lured me right into its cute little trap. One figure became one hundred and so on and so forth. I’d lie in bed every night, thinking about what figure I’d go after the next day. That’s when the dreams started. I’d be in dreamland, finally on the brink of converting my old water cooler into a jetpack the Rocketeer would be proud of, when the Hulk would come crashing through the wall like the Kool Aid man. His face showing no expression, his limbs stiff as the pre-oil can Tin Man, he would smash my almost-jetpack into pieces, showing no emotion but a slight bobble of his head.
I was foolish to hope it would stop with dreams. Pretty soon I was seeing Pop’s everywhere. Not the harmless little 3.75 inch figures either, but real, life-size Pops. If I go walking in the woods, there’s Robin Hood waiting to rob the rich and give to the poor. Little did he know that he and his Pop friends had made me one of the poor. Looking up to the sky, I see not a bird or a plane, but Baymax flying off to find a hairy baby. And once and a while during my daily walk, I see the Pop TARDIS materialize in front of me. They taunt me, you see. It’s gotten to the point where I have a hard time distinguishing real people from Pop people. If someone is sitting too still on the bus, I feel the need to go pat them on the head just to see if it will bobble or not.
Does anyone else suffer from this seemingly fictional plight? What do I do? Help me PopVinyl readers, you’re my only hope.
Matt Norris